Joy is blocked by the sense of guilt

Joy is blocked by the sense of guilt. “You alone are to blame!!!!” My mother yelled accusing me of what didn’t take place…  And I agreed.

“In such situation this way is safer”, I said to myself and agreed.

“And what is dangerous in this situation for you?” 

“Mother started yelling and accusing me, called me bad names and punished me!”

“Are you afraid of your mother?” 

“Yes, I am afraid of her. She has power over me.”

“And what does she has power over in you? Over your body? Over consciousness? Over personality? What can she do to your body?”

“Well, nothing.”

“And to consciousness?”

“Nothing anymore.”

“And to you as personality?” 

“Nothing at all.”

“So, what are you afraid of? What do you blame yourself for?” 

“ILLUSION!!! I need to forgive myself.”  

I chose the best of all options, given my knowledge and experience at that moment. How does it work when built-in punishment programs imposed on me since childhood are launched? My behaviour changes even when there is no my guilt in a situation at all, but to avoid conflict I say: “Yes, I am to blame for everything.” At that point the punishment program becomes active. This is like a starting device, like a LAUNCH button. Changes in behaviour and even in meals take place: “for some reason” I start wanting food that I don’t like after I tasted it only once. I noted my body felt bad of such food, and if it wasn’t for the punishment program I would reject such food and no longer eat it. However, now there is as if some failure or rather a check: aha, the program works and forces the body to eat that food, although it’s bad for the body and destroy its normal operation. And here comes a disease, and I clearly hear: “That’s all, I’m punished.” There is no one outside. This is done by my own consciousness in order to implement the punishment program. In the program about Geliars Andrew was telling about an ant which, being moved by a common mind program, creeps to the top of a tree and dies there, creating better conditions for growth of fungal spores that it has eaten earlier. So, what is different between me and that ant, when programs-patterns rule me?

Received from Tatiana (Kharkov, Ukraine)