I would like to share my experience on the way to explore deep inner feelings. In the beginning, deep inner feelings to me were a heritage of only highly evolved spiritual beings. I wasn’t even hoping to experience them in the nearest future, and consciousness never gave me a single thought I was experiencing them in everyday life. However, I performed practices, observed my sensations and started asking relevant questions at meditation classes. And it turned out I did can feel, and it’s indeed very SIMPLE. But consciousness surely did its best to restrain that: after some five minutes of happiness it began to impose thoughts, and in an hour it gave counterarguments. I started doubting and almost rejected the feelings, and so they disappeared for a while. I should admit in the beginning, when I was practicing in a group, I couldn’t doubtlessly answer the question: “What have you felt?”
Certainly, in a group it is easier to practice meditations, for there are examples of other people near. And that helped me fight doubts back. But when I was asked after a meditation, I hesitated. I was ashamed to say “nothing”, but such nothing was exactly what consciousness perceived at the moments when I had feelings. For consciousness that was stable zero, like a cardiogram chart after death. Therefore it bustles so much and erases all the wonderful moments from memory – in order to further exist and dominate over personality.
Soon I started pondering over how to understand whether I had feelings or not. I gained experience and made hasty conclusions, associating the external with the internal. And when I performed a meditation, I focused not on the soul, but on the external: body and mental images. Thus, a base of diverse sensations was forming. And once I became aware I failed to understand: where was that very feeling? I grasped that consciousness fooled me, leading me away from one mental image to another. And it did this quite simply: “You feel yourself good, but if it’s corporal joy it’s wrong.” And it offered me different sensations, and everything started again. Excessive self-criticism was there as well.
I asked folks in the group, they responded: “Don’t trust consciousness, it is deceitful and limited, and has no knowledge of spiritual matters.” A very important phrase sounded: “If you very on the animal nature wave, it would criticize you, and when you really start escaping from the system, doubts attack you.” I agreed, but only partially. Of course, as I knew from The Silver Thread program series, it’s impossible to evaluate your spiritual growth via consciousness. Yet, I continued believing its reasoning, not quite deeply understanding its advices. Now I know I was simply too lazy to sort it all out.
After a certain period of time I learned to find that feeling easily, to SIMPLY be happy, to look at everything in the light of the feeling. And even thoughts came that I was tempted by illusions… (for I felt something truly unknown, a feeling of expansion which manifested itself in sensations in the area of my head). It was enough for consciousness to mention the body part in order to record such experience as a failure. And so once, looking back at my own spiritual experience, I believed consciousness, which was another mistake. From that moment, for a week I was unable to feel. When I came to the meditation class, somebody shared the following with me: “If we simply believe in a thought (invest our attention in it), we give it a great power, and if the thought is “I lost yesterday” and you believe in it, you will lose now.” That gave me understanding what had happened to me. Now I decided to apply a radical method not to be distracted by unnecessary thoughts: on reality there’s only myself (personality) and the soul (with the Spiritual World, or God), while everything else was an illusion.
Such understanding helped me to be firm when the system attacked. And there came a day when I decided to write an article. It was an hour close to Allat; I performed the Jug meditation and starting doing the Lotus Flower spiritual practice. Everyday thoughts were interrupted by my sincere aspiration for peace and feelings. I felt not a lot, but still something. Consciousness started its habitual attack, and I decided not to postpone till another time, but carry out a little Armageddon here and now. And one I decided this, the truth revealed itself to me: before I had thought I notice myself following a wrong path thanks to thoughts. I considered such thoughts positive. They were in discussion and suggested arguments why I wasn’t supposed to conduct one or another negative deed. In fact, they were right. But I was wrong when I paid attention to them. Such thoughts are just a part of performance. Paying attention to them, I lost balance and fed the system, trying on its temper orders.
At that point I grasped all that was lies, since the thoughts appeared already after I had altered the vector of attention. They were a consequence of the “wave change” to a more positive one. At that, I falsely believed I heard the soul’s call in a wrong way, or that very conscience in its pure appearance. I had not understood that before, but at that very point I realized how pure conscience not enveloped in any thought was wonderful. I grasped that consciousness had never been a friend and it would never be a friend in spiritual matters. Only deep inner feelings and pure conscience are to be oriented at and focused on. Generally speaking, this is another confirmation of the recently gained view of the proper lifestyle: when personality makes the right choice in favour of the spiritual, of the soul, and gives it his or her attention, two “new” tools manifest themselves: deep inner feelings (tool No. 1), focusing on which a person chooses positive thoughts that are a product of the Front Aspect activity (tool No. 2). In such case personality uses his or her attention to serve the Spiritual World, God. And matter, forced to obey the cause-and-effect law, also begins to change and to assist in development of both such individual and his or her environment.
Received from Ilya (Kiev, Ukraine)
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