Notes in a notebook

Oh, it’s so hard to make myself write anything... My head is as if squeezed... I’m in stupor. At that, despite everything, certain clarity is preserved, and there is still the inner observer who simply and impartially records everything what is happening here and now.

- I don’t want to write..!

- Hush! It’s necessary.

- Who needs this at all?!

- Well, I can name at least three persons who need. And this is already a crowd.

- Can’t these three realize everything themselves?

- They surely can. But it’s faster together, in a crowd.

- Oh, who needs your crowd?! You only make people laugh, engaging in some nonsense!

- God needs.

- And where is he, your God? Have you seen him at least once?

- I feel Him. He is inside me and in everything that exists... not around, for around means separately, while God means together, one, single and indivisible... 

How can I describe this? I’ll try to do it in verse... (Below there is an unrhymed translation of the original poem from Russian.)

I enter this dialogue over again...
What do I try to prove, and to whom? 
With a countless row of images and words
Consciousness endeavours to tie me
Into chains, squeezing my chest,
And a cry is about to burst from inside...
But my voice from inside the squeezed chest

Quietly whispers: “How wonderful the Way is!”
“When you speak, it sounds the world is so simple!
But where is variety? Where is anguish?
How can you live by the beauty only?!” 

Consciousness responds to the inner voice.
“I can Live. Live, but not exist.
When the beauty is inside,
It is able to transform the whole world
By the only power of righteous Love.”
“Oh, who needs your love? It’s just a word!
Live by reality which is more important.
Job, money and tipsy leisure – this is
What you really need. Just like other people have.
Why should you try to help others?
Let everyone be responsible for themselves!
Peace is not possible between people.
There will always be discords and fights!”
“Well, you are right, peace is impossible “between”,
It can only inside, but not outside.
And if there is no peace, a breach
Will grow in one’s depth...
Whatever a person may be given: job, home,
Children and money, idleness and leisure –
He won’t find happiness in such wealth.
All this won’t be enough and will slip out his hands,
Not filling the deep inner emptiness.
There is a part of God in everyone.
In order for its sprouts to grow
We need to “grow” our heart at first,
A big heart full of Love, a support
For oneself and everyone around.
Then this world will become wonderful,
Surely not at once. Such advances never
Happen at once. This is all about the Way – 
The entire life is given us to be a Conductor
Of love and light, of happy minutes.
Here and now we create happiness.
Here and now we can be kinder
And offer hand to those who are weak.
This does not mean doing INSTEAD of people. 
This means to help, to guide, and to support...
Everyone have their cross to bear, and everyone

Should carry it themselves to learn a lesson.
Yet, it’s so joyful for the Heaven when
“Assignments” are fulfilled right in time!
And we come to the Father, hand in hand,
Not by ourselves, but in a friendly crowd...
You, liar, surely can’t understand me.
Love uses a different language,
And feelings are impossible to describe, 
Even if you make out all words by letters.
I want to live, not to exist.
I believe. I know. IT is inside.”

Prepared by Anna K. (Russia)